I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
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Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
What if the weather talks about us?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir