Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.