I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
mariah carrie
Bear knowledge
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite