I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*updates tinder bio*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
