@Schmoodles

I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.

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@mom_ontherocks

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

@Casey

another refuel, at a gas station with a rather unfortunate name

@riot4rach

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

@touchmybobby

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do

@erconwell

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@Rica_Bee

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*