Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.