I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Dead sexy!!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.