Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

I’m not proud

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

The little toadstool has spoken.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

The best plant holders?

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes