I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot