Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Ha.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

lol