I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting