Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

Smells like a challenge to me

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!