I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
mom had nothing to worry about
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?