I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
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(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”