I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
#polloftheday
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.