I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
You Might Also Like
Why? Just why? 😂
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
S O O N
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
This is the best one I’ve seen
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
No. YOU-buprofen.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs