I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.