Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Truth

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”