I finally found a reason to live again.
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My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
pain
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
They’re not wrong
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.