Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.