@HeyZeus666

I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.

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@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@emptydahl

Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@2tickytacky

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

@collegeben

friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

@sweetg35

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

@IvoryGazelle

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@

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