If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.
I threw my scale out.
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So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response
Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
*throws phone in holy water
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes