@HeyZeus666

I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.

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@NBrianJohnston

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

@Phook75

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response

@bazecraze

Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.

@FirstDateStory

“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”

@Birdhumms

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@djdarrellripley

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

@LeBearGirdle

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

@YeahDrewisOn

Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes