Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

I’m awake but I object,

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert