Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows