Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1567590512592408585/pu/vid/720x900/uSKUUEEvl4ZqxVea.mp4?tag=12

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment