Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you