I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store