Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

🪶

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.