I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u