I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
You Might Also Like
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
on da cob, we all corn
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”