I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Brb my Sims are getting married
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once