Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”