Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.