Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.