I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you