I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

You Might Also Like


Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit


Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that


If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.


Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges


Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.


If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.


How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something


Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.


KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine
DAD: hey buddy, why don’t you give the kid a turn