Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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– Reviews for “TicTacToe, The Movie”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
God: no stop that
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine
DAD: hey buddy, why don’t you give the kid a turn
LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE’RE IN LOVE