@khatragirl

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

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@ArfMeasures

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

@MarkAgee

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

@PatsATweetin

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

@BookishBunny

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

@subtweetopath

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@hippieswordfish

[arcade]
KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine
DAD: hey buddy, why don’t you give the kid a turn
LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE’RE IN LOVE