I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
it’s the silliest best thing
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*