I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*