Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

I feel this so hard

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Hot Hot Hot

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”