Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.