I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
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no such thing as a dumb question
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.