Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him