Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!