I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
man i love columbo
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.