Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.