Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh