Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible