I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Every work call, he judges.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”