Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit