I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
never deleting this app.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Good morning.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.