Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Running from your problems is cardio .

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.