Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.