I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt