i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Breaking news:
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..