I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
We all have our pet causes.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there