WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?
Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement