@Gupton68

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

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@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@AmericanGent69

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@KeepsItRustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@lukeplusone

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

@rebrafsim

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

@LizerReal

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.