@Gupton68

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

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@IamJackBoot

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@BijersSunbird

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@tlhicks713

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

@MikeWasBad

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

@Reverend_Scott

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

@Halbeerz

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.