I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird


Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.


The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.


Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?


Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]


I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.