I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”