@Gupton68

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

@CantWaitToNap

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

@fightgeek

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

@_salt_n_lime

Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?

Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@ParasiteHilton

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@T_Bonezzz_

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement