Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

ㅤ

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Did we do it, did we save the daylight