I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
You Might Also Like
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.