I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
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Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
a New Yorker reject, for you
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
This will teach them to underestimate me
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend