Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

I enjoy a good short stor

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.