i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
You Might Also Like
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
I didn’t come here to be called names
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.