i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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Food gives you energy to nap more.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.