Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.