I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?