Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies