I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
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Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.