Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

tell em, edith-anne

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time