I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Confused owl: What?!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.