Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

Me when I try to be useful

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.