I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Proofread twice, hang posters once
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same