I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.