Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire