I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist