I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.