I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.