Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

You have been warned.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*