I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.