I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?